THE CHANNEL PRESENTS
A FEATURE PRESENTATION

M A L I B U
(working title — the channel is accepting suggestions from the trades)

a CAMPBELL CAROLAN production

Airs Saturday, July 25 · 8 PM · once.
The only landscape-orientation item on the channel.
(the feature's ident is the FBI warning.)

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                    CAMPBELL (V/O)
          There we were emerging into the
          contemporary, with this goddamned
          incredibly expensive car, completely
          twisted on current events, no cash, no
          market viability and no chargers. And on
          top of everything, a ten car pile up of
          missed calls. We'd been in the Catskills
          for long enough for people to notice we
          weren't at work.

                    CAMPBELL (V/O) (CONT'D)
          Do me one last favor, Art: just give us
          five more high-speed hours before install;
          just let us get rid of this goddamn car
          and off the New Jersey Turnpike.


INT./EXT. CHEVY MALIBU — NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE — DAY

The MALIBU comes into view on the dashboard of the MALIBU at
80mph. The words "EVERYTHING MUST GO" peels off the passenger
side windows. Both slogans appear to have been written in
Irish Soap. Driving the car are the two remaining board
members of limited-liability conceptual art outfit CAMPBELL
CAROLAN. Over the sweet sweet sounds of Loren Kramar and
Britney Spears, the half dozen empty cans of WHITE CLAW tied
to the bumper.

Whoever's tailgating them can make out the words "NOBLESSE
OBLIGE" on the back windshield of the MALIBU as the two
parvenu's haul ass at 80MPH through Trump country.

                    CAMPBELL
          Rem Koolhaus is riding our ass. Are you
          speeding?

CAROLAN floors the accelerator. CAMPBELL takes a long drag on
a JUUL.

                    CAMPBELL
          Tailgating is an installation context,
          right?

                    CAROLAN
          It is now.


EXT. THE NEW YORK BIENNIALE — A PRESTIGIOUS BLOCK OF DOWNTOWN
MANHATTAN

CAMPBELL CAROLAN park the car and watch for cops. At 6PM,
CAMPBELL and CAROLAN get out of the car and begin unloading
the TRASH, WHITE CLAW, AND BIRDSEED from the MALIBU.

                    CAROLAN
          Where's the tape.

                    CAMPBELL (V/O)
          The New York Bienniale. Koolhaus was
          potentially cucking us. We lost him
          somewhere on Museum Mile. As usual, all we
          could do was count on the historical
          blindspots.

CAROLAN starts unloading the cooler. They're both starting to
come down.

                    CAMPBELL
          Think about site-specificity here. Antique
          roadshow, Zuccotti park. This is public
          art for chrissake. Where's the birdseed.

CAROLAN gets back in the MALIBU and starts stabbing the GPS
as if to trigger the deus ex machina.

                    CAMPBELL
          That happened hours ago.

CAROLAN gives up and pops the trunk to reveal a large stash
of FINE ART PRINTS.

                    CAROLAN
          Hey! I found the keys!

                    CAMPBELL
          Don't attract attention. We're white. Sort
          of.

CROWDS begin to gather in BLEEKER PARK.

                    CIVILIAN #1
          Hey! Is that your car?

                    CAMPBELL
          You poor fools have been watching too much
          news. This car is the property of the
          World Bank. That money goes to ITALY!

CAROLAN tapes a poster over the rear mounted camera of the
MALIBU that reads 'PRIVILEGE IS RESPONSIBILITY'.

                    CAROLAN
          This is an art show. You want a White
          Claw?

CAMPBELL CAROLAN watch in amazement as SVEN deftly unveils a
large-scale painting on a lamppost.

                    CIVILIAN #2
          Art, hell! Look what you're doing to that
          car!

                    CAROLAN
          Fuck the car. They should make these
          things with automatic drive.

                    CAMPBELL
          This is an art show! This car costs $1100.

                    CIVILIAN #3
          I need to see a press release!

AMALIA ULMAN begins speaking politically. The ART AUDIENCE
and the PUBLIC begin to separate.

                    CAMPBELL
          Go listen to that woman over there.

                    CIVILIAN #4
          Somebody should call them out!

                    CAMPBELL
          Cancel us? Are you people crazy?

The PUBLIC begins to demonstrate signs of unrest.

                    CIVILIAN #1
          Call the goddamn curator!

CAMPBELL begins to throw birdseed at the encroaching people.

                    CIVILIAN #4
          Look what they've done to that beautiful
          car!

CAROLAN jumps in behind the wheel.

                    CAROLAN
          This art audience is not rational. They
          can't relate to us. Let's find another
          parking spot.

CAROLAN floors the accelerator — screams at the audience.

                    CAROLAN
          You people all have representation! You
          killed patronage!

The MALIBU swerves round and through the PUBLIC.

                    CAROLAN (V/O)
          The public broke ranks. Nobody wants to be
          run over by a Chevy Malibu.


EXT. CAR RENTAL AGENCY — NEXT DAY

                    RENTAL AGENT
          Holy God! How did this happen?

                    CAROLAN
          We were late to an art show, Officer.

                    RENTAL AGENT
          I can't see anything through the rearview
          mirror!

The CAR RENTAL AGENT wrestles with the trashed car.

                    CAROLAN
          Yeah, somethings wrong with the GPS.


INT. NY 17

                    CAMPBELL
          The trick is to iterate constantly and not
          name anything until you have to.

                    CAROLAN
          This tractor is still tailing us! I'm
          going to test the brakes.


                                        CUT TO BLACK.

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(The Chandelier Bid sells the car the following morning,
10 AM, July 26. Trashed. Provenance included. GPS as-is.)
