JULY 1Segment 01 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's like creator bootcamp day 1 and I think it's going really well.

00:06–00:12I'm posting once a day,

00:12–00:18which is like pretty much over in the first six seconds,

00:18–00:24and the first six seconds are really tough

00:24–00:30because my posting style is kind of this flat

00:30–00:36genre where nothing is happening except everything is happening.

00:36–00:42I am just so stoked to be around people who

00:42–00:48understand the form and are like me,

00:48–00:54because my followers just do not get me at all.

00:54–01:00They think a post is supposed to have a point or

01:00–01:06a body or a little moral at the end,

01:06–01:12but I think the point is that it passes through you and leaves a texture.

01:12–01:18I'm so glad to be

01:18–01:24away from the same 2000 people online.

01:24–01:30I'm so happy to be in this program. I can't even tell you.

01:30–01:36I keep telling myself: you're gonna post every day,

01:36–01:42you're gonna smile at the people who move things,

01:42–01:48you're gonna pretend every casual dinner is important,

01:48–01:54and you're gonna pretend none of this is work because the second it looks like work,

01:54–02:00nobody wants to watch.

JULY 2Segment 02 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, so it's my second day at bootcamp

00:06–00:12and I've pretty much made the decision that

00:12–00:18I'm going to do the fine arts thing.

00:18–00:24Please don't kill me,

00:24–00:30but everyone is smarter and cuter there and the rest of the

00:30–00:36screenstoppers are basically VCs with better tote bags.

00:36–00:42They just want to make their own country or something,

00:42–00:48which is so depressing because venture-backed

00:48–00:54seed funding is so evil and everyone says

00:54–01:00exit like it's a weather pattern.

01:00–01:06I don't care if I ever find the exit.

01:06–01:12If I do,

01:12–01:18it will be for me and not for some fat dork who wants

01:18–01:24me to kiss someone's ass and become someone other than me.

01:24–01:30I would rather be broke

01:30–01:36and have a tone than be rich and have a deck.

01:36–01:42I know that sounds dramatic,

01:42–01:48but bootcamp is making me realize that I don't want to be optimized.

01:48–01:54I want to

01:54–02:00be illegible in a way that still converts.

JULY 3Segment 03 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Now I'm going into my third day,

00:06–00:12which is for anyone who remembers their sophomore year at

00:12–00:18SVA is so psyched to be back at school,

00:18–00:24because I've been working really hard all summer on my work and stuff.

00:24–00:30I'm psyched because now I have my own agent,

00:30–00:36which is weird because

00:36–00:42I also have no idea what an agent is

00:42–00:48supposed to do besides appear in emails and say circle back.

00:48–00:54I'm learning so much about texture

00:54–01:00and surface and light and materials even.

01:00–01:06I feel like I've made big improvements in my shading and foreshortening and figure-ground stuff.

01:06–01:12I've been going to parties and meeting people,

01:12–01:18but I'm realizing it's more

01:18–01:24important for me to buckle down and work on

01:24–01:30my own thing because it's just really important to me.

01:30–01:36I keep forgetting that the work is

01:36–01:42the only thing that isn't embarrassing. Everything else is embarrassing.

01:42–01:48The dinners, the comments, the group chats,

01:48–01:54the way everyone says they are building.

01:54–02:00The work is the part that doesn't ask me to smile.

JULY 4Segment 04 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's my fourth day at creator kampf

00:06–00:12and I'm kind of pissed off at the program

00:12–00:18a little now because I have to hang

00:18–00:24out in all these stupid rationalist forums and write all these really boring posts.

00:24–00:30It's like,

00:30–00:36who gives a fuck about race science? I don't.

00:36–00:42It doesn't apply to me or my life or my work one bit,

00:42–00:48really.

00:48–00:54I just want to be in my feed and do what I want.

00:54–01:00I feel like my head is exploding

01:00–01:06with ideas and I need to get them out there.

01:06–01:12I need followers and stuff because I

01:12–01:18think it's more than 50% or something.

01:18–01:24I would rather spend time in a group chat than

01:24–01:30make another argument for Western Civilization before opening-o-clock.

01:30–01:36It feels like high school,

01:36–01:42except everyone can cite statistics now and nobody has a locker to slam.

01:42–01:48It totally sucks,

01:48–01:54but then I post something really flat and half-dead and everybody pretends not to understand it,

01:54–02:00which means they understand it exactly.

JULY 5Segment 05 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, I'm going into my fifth day now,

00:06–00:12which is really taking me back to the beginning of my junior year at SVA.

00:12–00:18I got to do a little traveling,

00:18–00:24just around,

00:24–00:30and it was helpful to get out of downtown and clear my mind.

00:30–00:36I met this really cool guy who goes

00:36–00:42to AA and we talked about working the program

00:42–00:48a lot and it was helpful because he's so different from me.

00:48–00:54He does installations outside,

00:54–01:00which is weird, but he's smart and studies these specific

01:00–01:06things and suggested all these books.

01:06–01:12I read some already and I'm like, whoa, totally inspired,

01:12–01:18thinking about what I want to say and the best way to say it.

01:18–01:24I realize I have to be extremely online.

01:24–01:30Once you start,

01:30–01:36you realize when you get to the end of the internet you can keep going.

01:36–01:42He's in Texas and I'm here,

01:42–01:48long distance, whatever. I'm making better posts,

01:48–01:54more scroll-stopping ones, and I think the work is going

01:54–02:00to change because there's finally more going into it.

JULY 6Segment 06 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Now it's my sixth day at bootcamp and I don't know,

00:06–00:12I guess I'm a little depressed.

00:12–00:18I had a really bad comment and everything always goes

00:18–00:24wrong when I get forced to explain my work before everyone comments on it.

00:24–00:30I know you should be able to defend your work,

00:30–00:36but not before everyone

00:36–00:42else tells you what they think.

00:42–00:48I shouldn't have to stand next to my thing in some stupid reaction video and be like:

00:48–00:54Hi,

00:54–01:00would you like me to hit the roof? First let me tell you a little about myself.

01:00–01:06My parents fucked me up

01:06–01:12and so did my classical education. Any questions? Come on,

01:12–01:18grill me. Psychoanalyze me.

01:18–01:24All these boys premiere feature-length creations in AirDrop and no one asks them anything humiliating,

01:24–01:30but I get asked where he touched me exactly.

01:30–01:36And I'm like, fuck off.

01:36–01:42It's none of your business. They say I've made it their business,

01:42–01:48but it's not about that, or it is,

01:48–01:54but not just that. Nobody understands what I'm doing,

01:54–02:00and everybody acts like they have me all figured out.

JULY 7Segment 07 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, so now it's my seventh day at bootcamp

00:06–00:12and I had a really crappy analytics meeting because I

00:12–00:18decided to stay on the droplets.

00:18–00:24I had to get a paywall to pay off the bandwidth and I

00:24–00:30spent a whole morning looking for the .css file and it was humiliating.

00:30–00:36I got reduced to applying for

00:36–00:42lame content creator gigs at coffee shops and shoe stores and not getting hired.

00:42–00:48I refuse to take out

00:48–00:54my nose ring to work at a defense corporation

00:54–01:00because professionalism is already a hate crime for Christ's sake.

01:00–01:06Finally I got a job as a production assistant

01:06–01:12on a YouTube series for this painter guy,

01:12–01:18an overlord of some pathetic scene,

01:18–01:24and then another job as a model trainer because that was seventy dollars an

01:24–01:30hour and I got my backend configured for free.

01:30–01:36Now I'm back at camp and I can't wait for it to end,

01:36–01:42but I'm scared for it to end

01:42–01:48because the job market is fucked.

01:48–01:54Being a content cowboy is pretty cool, though.

01:54–02:00I just work on my personal brand and don't have to deal with anyone.

JULY 8Segment 08 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, so now it's my eighth and last day

00:06–00:12at bootcamp and soon enough is not soon enough for it to be over.

00:12–00:18My main gripe this segment

00:18–00:24is with Claude and this guy Josh Dechter,

00:24–00:30because all these kids were telling me Claude is so cool,

00:30–00:36but he's not cool. He's on this personal crusade telling

00:36–00:42everyone my generation is stupid and makes stupid art

00:42–00:48because we're basking in our stupidity.

00:48–00:54All the zombie painter kids eat it up because he sounds smart and

00:54–01:00says Linguistics with a capital L.

01:00–01:06He misquotes pop culture because he thinks if he sees something out of the corner of his eye,

01:06–01:12that's research.

01:12–01:18He wrote here we are now entertainers at the top of an

01:18–01:24essay and everyone knows it's here we are now entertain us.

01:24–01:30That shit wouldn't fly if I misquoted Baudrillard.

01:30–01:36He wants to classify everything and put it into a neat little box,

01:36–01:42and I keep thinking,

01:42–01:48you just don't get it, do you? I'm a mass of self-contradictions,

01:48–01:54but I work hard every day to learn and change and grow.

01:54–02:00So I'm logging off now. Bye.

JULY 9Segment 09 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 9 and I woke up

00:06–00:12convinced that the algorithm had changed overnight,

00:12–00:18like actually changed in its sleep,

00:18–00:24which is a horrible thought because it means the algorithm gets to sleep and I don't.

00:24–00:30I posted this flat little

00:30–00:36thing about a hallway and a receipt and

00:36–00:42a woman crying in a museum bathroom,

00:42–00:48and it died immediately, like full clinical death, like no pulse,

00:48–00:54no comments, no little pity hearts from people who usually pity me.

00:54–01:00Then three hours later

01:00–01:06it came back to life because some guy

01:06–01:12with a Roman statue avatar said it was decadent and symptomatic,

01:12–01:18which is basically promotion now.

01:18–01:24I don't know why everything has to pass through

01:24–01:30the worst possible person before anyone can see it.

01:30–01:36I went for coffee and the barista,

01:36–01:42or whatever lesser model was pretending to be a barista,

01:42–01:48told me the tap-to-pay system was down and I felt weirdly vindicated,

01:48–01:54because maybe the whole

01:54–02:00world is just a failed interface with foam.

JULY 10Segment 10 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 10 and critique was insane

00:06–00:12because everyone kept saying the piece was about trauma,

00:12–00:18and I kept saying it's not about trauma,

00:18–00:24it's about framing, and they kept saying,

00:24–00:30right, the frame of trauma.

00:30–00:36It's like you can't win because once they decide where the wound is,

00:36–00:42they make you keep pointing at it.

00:42–00:48I said maybe the wound is the audience,

00:48–00:54and then everyone got quiet in this very pleased way,

00:54–01:00like I had

01:00–01:06finally performed a thought they could quote.

01:06–01:12I hate that. I want to make something so

01:12–01:18smooth and stupid-looking that nobody can hang a diagnostic category on it.

01:18–01:24Later I had

01:24–01:30dinner that I was supposed to pretend was casual,

01:30–01:36and everyone pretended it was casual so

01:36–01:42hard that it became more formal than court.

01:42–01:48The first six seconds were brutal.

01:48–01:54The second six seconds were worse.

01:54–02:00By dessert I wanted to be a JPEG with no metadata.

JULY 11Segment 11 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 11 and Clavicular resurfaced, of course,

00:06–00:12because every narrative has a man who

00:12–00:18returns carrying both a scar and an invoice.

00:18–00:24He said he had been in another accident,

00:24–00:30which is his way of flirting,

00:30–00:36and he told me the doctors said he was basically strong AI.

00:36–00:42I said that's interesting because strong AI usually implies generality,

00:42–00:48and he said no,

00:48–00:54it means surviving dental reconstruction.

00:54–01:00He wanted to show me a photograph of the chair that hit him,

01:00–01:06and I said I

01:06–01:12had already seen enough photographs of his damage

01:12–01:18to qualify for continuing education credits.

01:18–01:24Then he asked if I wanted dinner at this

01:24–01:30automated restaurant where the ordering kiosk calls you

01:30–01:36Mademoiselle and makes you feel like you have failed Europe.

01:36–01:42I said I had work to do,

01:42–01:48which was true if you count

01:48–01:54lying on the floor and thinking about whether

01:54–02:00a post can be both underproduced and overdetermined.

JULY 12Segment 12 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 12 and I'm back

00:06–00:12in the stupid rationalist forum because apparently participation is a metric now.

00:12–00:18Everyone is

00:18–00:24debating whether beauty is a compression algorithm

00:24–00:30and I want to scream because sometimes

00:30–00:36beauty is just a girl with wet

00:36–00:42hair outside a deli at midnight.

00:42–00:48Someone wrote a nine-thousand-word post about mating markets

00:48–00:54and civic decline and I left a

00:54–01:00comment that said maybe go to a party,

01:00–01:06and then I got twelve replies explaining that parties are inefficient.

01:06–01:12The professor

01:12–01:18said I should engage the strongest version of the argument,

01:18–01:24but the strongest version

01:24–01:30of the argument is still some guy explaining women to a spreadsheet.

01:30–01:36I made

01:36–01:42a drawing of a spreadsheet with false

01:42–01:48eyelashes and everyone said it was promising.

01:48–01:54I hate promising.

01:54–02:00Promising means they can already imagine how to make it worse.

JULY 13Segment 13 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 13 and my backend broke again,

00:06–00:12which sounds filthy but is actually just hosting.

00:12–00:18The paywall swallowed three subscribers

00:18–00:24and the newsletter sent itself with no images,

00:24–00:30just captions floating in white space like

00:30–00:36ghosts who went to design school.

00:36–00:42I spent four hours in the .css file trying

00:42–00:48to change a margin and somehow made

00:48–00:54the entire page center itself around nothing. Which,

00:54–01:00fine, maybe that's my real aesthetic.

01:00–01:06I asked Gemini for help and it gave me confidence instead of code.

01:06–01:12I asked Perplexity

01:12–01:18and it gave me sources for an answer to a different question.

01:18–01:24Finally some person

01:24–01:30named Tyler in a Discord said clear cache,

01:30–01:36and I did, and it worked,

01:36–01:42which made me furious because I wanted the problem to be ideological.

01:42–01:48I wanted late

01:48–01:54capitalism to be responsible for padding-left.

01:54–02:00But apparently sometimes the revolution is a hard refresh.

JULY 14Segment 14 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 14 and because it's

00:06–00:12Bastille Day everyone decided to talk about building new countries.

00:12–00:18I cannot stress enough how

00:18–00:24boring it is when boys discover sovereignty.

00:24–00:30It's always the same fantasy: no taxes,

00:30–00:36no ugly people, everyone has a sauna,

00:36–00:42and somehow women appear already grateful.

00:42–00:48They say civilization like it's a startup category.

00:48–00:54I said maybe the problem with making your own

00:54–01:00country is that you bring yourself with you,

01:00–01:06and one of them said that's exactly why we need exit.

01:06–01:12I don't think

01:12–01:18he understood that I meant he was the problem.

01:18–01:24Later someone asked what my country

01:24–01:30would be like and I said it would have universal dental,

01:30–01:36no networking brunches,

01:36–01:42and every man who says alignment has to do dishes for a year.

01:42–01:48They laughed like I was joking.

01:48–01:54I was not joking.

01:54–02:00I am never joking when I'm joking.

JULY 15Segment 15 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 15 and we had peptides and oatmeal again,

00:06–00:12which is apparently

00:12–00:18a meal now if you say it with enough conviction.

00:18–00:24Patri was there talking about

00:24–00:30seasteading and Milton Friedman and some new

00:30–00:36menu on women and peptides and Michelin bullshit,

00:36–00:42and I kept thinking that nobody

00:42–00:48at this table has ever eaten because they were hungry.

00:48–00:54They eat to demonstrate optionality.

00:54–01:00They inject to demonstrate discipline.

01:00–01:06They order adderall on the half shell and stare

01:06–01:12at it like it's devotional sculpture.

01:12–01:18I felt suddenly nostalgic for terrible cafeteria coffee because

01:18–01:24at least it didn't pretend to be a thesis.

01:24–01:30Then someone asked me what

01:30–01:36my work is about and I said appetite,

01:36–01:42maybe, and they said, for what?

01:42–01:48I said exactly. They wrote that down like I had pitched something.

01:48–01:54I am so

01:54–02:00tired of becoming useful in real time.

JULY 16Segment 16 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 16 and Josh Dechter misquoted something again,

00:06–00:12and I had to

00:12–00:18sit on my hands so I wouldn't become

00:18–00:24the girl who cares about accuracy in

00:24–00:30a room full of people who only care about authority.

00:30–00:36He said here we are now entertainers again,

00:36–00:42and I could feel

00:42–00:48my soul leaving my body in little flannel pieces.

00:48–00:54The problem isn't even that he's wrong.

00:54–01:00The problem is that he is wrong with rhythm,

01:00–01:06so everyone thinks it's style.

01:06–01:12I tried to say that popular

01:12–01:18culture isn't raw material for him to dredge like muck,

01:18–01:24and he said that was an interesting affective resistance.

01:24–01:30I said maybe it's just resistance-resistance.

01:30–01:36Everyone laughed except him,

01:36–01:42which felt good for six seconds and then terrible forever.

01:42–01:48I don't want to win arguments by becoming him.

01:48–01:54I want to

01:54–02:00win by making something he can't paraphrase.

JULY 17Segment 17 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 17 and the contemporary

00:06–00:12art class was on OnlyFans again,

00:12–00:18which is honestly more honest than the classroom because

00:18–00:24at least everyone knows attention is transactional.

00:24–00:30The lesson was supposedly about performance and the body,

00:30–00:36but really it was about lighting and passwords.

00:36–00:42I made a piece where I

00:42–00:48tried to explain the difference between exposure

00:48–00:54and explanation while my ring light kept sliding

00:54–01:00down the tripod like it was ashamed.

01:00–01:06People liked it, which made me suspicious.

01:06–01:12Then one commenter asked if the work would

01:12–01:18be stronger if I was less defensive,

01:18–01:24and I wanted to say the defense is the work,

01:24–01:30baby. The defense corporation is the work.

01:30–01:36The little wall I build

01:36–01:42around the thing so you can't turn it

01:42–01:48into your thing is the work.

01:48–01:54But I just wrote thanks for watching,

01:54–02:00because apparently I'm learning professionalism, which is a tragedy.

JULY 18Segment 18 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 18 and I kept thinking about Port Jeff,

00:06–00:12which is strange because I

00:12–00:18don't actually know if nostalgia is a

00:18–00:24feeling or just a location with bad lighting.

00:24–00:30We used to go to Port Jeff to

00:30–00:36fish and cook adderall on the half shell,

00:36–00:42which sounds impossible but memory is basically a

00:42–00:48worse chef than any automated restaurant.

00:48–00:54I remember the water and the clams before they

00:54–01:00became pharmaceuticals and the feeling that being young

01:00–01:06was something happening outside my body,

01:06–01:12like a band playing in another room.

01:12–01:18Now everyone tells me I'm young and I have to remind myself to believe them.

01:18–01:24I should stay

01:24–01:30out all night doing bad things at some point.

01:30–01:36I should fall in love at some point.

01:36–01:42I should stop acting like my life

01:42–01:48is a draft waiting for comments.

01:48–01:54Maybe the point is to post from the shore

01:54–02:00and then throw the phone into the harbor.

JULY 19Segment 19 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 19 and the AA installation

00:06–00:12guy from Texas called and said he

00:12–00:18was thinking about the end of the internet,

00:18–00:24which I thought was romantic until he started describing a forum thread.

00:24–00:30He says once

00:30–00:36you know what you're looking for,

00:36–00:42you can keep going past the end,

00:42–00:48and I think that's beautiful in a way I also think is dangerous.

00:48–00:54He reads everything like it might save him.

00:54–01:00I read everything like it might accuse me.

01:00–01:06We talked for two hours

01:06–01:12about why people make stuff and by

01:12–01:18the end I felt both focused and completely dissolved.

01:18–01:24Long distance is perfect because you can confuse bandwidth with longing.

01:24–01:30He told me to

01:30–01:36read three more books and I said okay,

01:36–01:42but secretly I think I need fewer

01:42–01:48books and more nights where something happens that isn't searchable.

01:48–01:54Then I made a post

01:54–02:00about that and immediately checked whether it worked.

JULY 20Segment 20 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 20 and I went into

00:06–00:12the shop because pretty soon there will be no shop,

00:12–00:18no lab, no studio,

00:18–00:24no little institutional smell of dust and metal and fear.

00:24–00:30I kept thinking this is the

00:30–00:36last time I can use the equipment without pretending I have a budget.

00:36–00:42Everyone else was

00:42–00:48making these clean little things that look like they already have gallery captions,

00:48–00:54and I

00:54–01:00was making something too big because I panic at normal size.

01:00–01:06I like big because big

01:06–01:12refuses to be content for a second.

01:12–01:18Big makes you move your body.

01:18–01:24Big makes the camera back up.

01:24–01:30I got resin on my shoes and sawdust in my hair and felt,

01:30–01:36for maybe eight minutes,

01:36–01:42like I existed outside the feed.

01:42–01:48Then someone filmed me from across the room and posted it with a caption about process.

01:48–01:54So fine,

01:54–02:00the feed found me. The feed is not lazy.

JULY 21Segment 21 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 21 and another critique

00:06–00:12turned into a little tribunal where everyone asked what really happened,

00:12–00:18like the work was

00:18–00:24evidence and I was a witness with bad lighting.

00:24–00:30I said maybe I don't want to give testimony.

00:30–00:36They said the audience needs access.

00:36–00:42I said access to what,

00:42–00:48exactly? My childhood? My body? My browser history?

00:48–00:54One boy who edits these feature-length

00:54–01:00creations in AirDrop said vulnerability is important,

01:00–01:06and I almost asked how big his dick

01:06–01:12was just to restore balance to the universe.

01:12–01:18Instead I said vulnerability without control is just extraction,

01:18–01:24and the professor looked pleased

01:24–01:30in that awful way professors look pleased

01:30–01:36when they can tell you're in pain but also articulate.

01:36–01:42I don't want to be articulate about pain today.

01:42–01:48I want

01:48–01:54to make a wall so pretty everybody forgets

01:54–02:00it's a wall until they hit it.

JULY 22Segment 22 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 22 and the screenstoppers had a mixer,

00:06–00:12which means twenty-seven people

00:12–00:18stood in a room holding warm drinks

00:18–00:24and pretending not to count followers.

00:24–00:30Everyone was talking about seed funding and audience capture

00:30–00:36and one person said their practice was pre-revenue but culturally liquid.

00:36–00:42I wanted to go home immediately.

00:42–00:48Then someone asked what

00:48–00:54my North Star was and I said spite,

00:54–01:00which they loved because they thought I meant a brand position.

01:00–01:06Maybe I do.

01:06–01:12Maybe spite is the only renewable energy source left.

01:12–01:18The fine arts kids were

01:18–01:24in the corner looking poor and beautiful and doomed,

01:24–01:30and I felt jealous because

01:30–01:36at least doomed is a clean shape.

01:36–01:42The VCs want to make a country.

01:42–01:48The artists want to make a wound.

01:48–01:54I want to make something that survives both

01:54–02:00and still has lipstick on its teeth.

JULY 23Segment 23 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 23 and I went to see bands,

00:06–00:12actual bands, with cords and sweat and feedback,

00:12–00:18and it was so much better

00:18–00:24than reading another anti-Lacan MIT Press thing about desire and the apparatus.

00:24–00:30The apparatus was there,

00:30–00:36obviously, because everyone filmed the encore,

00:36–00:42but for a second the room had a body and not just an audience.

00:42–00:48I stayed out too

00:48–00:54late and did some bad things, not catastrophic bad,

00:54–01:00just enough to feel like my life

01:00–01:06was not fully scheduled by people named Josh.

01:06–01:12I kept thinking I should fall in love while I'm still really young,

01:12–01:18which is a weird

01:18–01:24thing to have to remind yourself, but I do.

01:24–01:30I'm really young. I'm not a case study.

01:30–01:36I'm not a content vertical.

01:36–01:42I'm not a set of recurring themes.

01:42–01:48I am a person in a black sweater at two in

01:48–01:54the morning with ringing ears and no plan,

01:54–02:00and honestly that might be my best work.

JULY 24Segment 24 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 24 and the forums are back like a rash.

00:06–00:12Someone assigned a

00:12–00:18post about Western Civilization before opening-o-clock and

00:18–00:24I wanted to ask whether Western Civilization could maybe open later.

00:24–00:30I don't understand why

00:30–00:36every conversation has to become a defense of something huge and dead.

00:36–00:42I want to talk about my feed,

00:42–00:48my friends, my materials,

00:48–00:54the stupid little decisions that actually make a life.

00:54–01:00But the rationalist boys need

01:00–01:06everything to become Rome or IQ or catastrophe.

01:06–01:12They say scale like scale is innocent.

01:12–01:18I said maybe intimacy is a technology too,

01:18–01:24and someone asked for a definition,

01:24–01:30which is how you know he should be removed from the room.

01:30–01:36I feel like I'm back in high school,

01:36–01:42except the

01:42–01:48lockers are servers and the bullies have footnotes.

01:48–01:54It sucks, but I made a good post after,

01:54–02:00because rage has excellent composition.

JULY 25Segment 25 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 25 and the machine learning engineer came over and said,

00:06–00:12baby,

00:12–00:18I'm an existential risk, and I'm an existential risk,

00:18–00:24I'll always be an existential risk.

00:24–00:30I said okay, smoke some T,

00:30–00:36because what else do you say to a man who thinks danger is a personality?

00:36–00:42He smoked some

00:42–00:48T and immediately started talking about prompt injection like it was foreplay.

00:48–00:54I said make

00:54–01:00sure you keep it a hallucination because I'm going clear right now.

01:00–01:06He had this whole Kevin Bacon doorway thing happening,

01:06–01:12light behind him,

01:12–01:18dark in the bedroom, and I thought oh God,

01:18–01:24do I have to go through this again?

01:24–01:30Men are always staging themselves at thresholds.

01:30–01:36They never just stand in a doorway;

01:36–01:42they become the concept of obstruction.

01:42–01:48I did some garbage collection and left.

01:48–01:54He texted later asking whether the tension was productive.

01:54–02:00I said only as a cautionary tale.

JULY 26Segment 26 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 26 and my apartment still

00:06–00:12looks like evidence that a person lives there under protest.

00:12–00:18I keep thinking about the rug scam,

00:18–00:24how if you say you lost

00:24–00:30another millionaire maybe someone sends a couch.

00:30–00:36I tried the modern version and told my father

00:36–00:42I lost another potential subscriber because my space didn't have enough vector databases.

00:42–00:48He said what does that mean,

00:48–00:54and I said exactly,

00:54–01:00that's why they're gone. He didn't send a couch,

01:00–01:06but he did send an article about discipline.

01:06–01:12Parents love sending articles because it feels like parenting without furniture.

01:12–01:18I would like

01:18–01:24wall-to-wall gold carpeting and a stereo record player

01:24–01:30and a television set and a backend that

01:30–01:36doesn't collapse when I feel hopeful.

01:36–01:42Instead I have a rug I don't sit on and

01:42–01:48a brand I don't believe in. Still,

01:48–01:54by the end of six months maybe the

01:54–02:00whole place will be furnished with failed exits.

JULY 27Segment 27 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 27 and Clavicular called again with a new calamity,

00:06–00:12because he can't re-enter a scene without injury.

00:12–00:18This time

00:18–00:24it was something with a scooter and a

00:24–00:30glass door and several specialists telling him he was strong AI.

00:30–00:36I said maybe if

00:36–00:42you were strong AI you would generalize

00:42–00:48from previous accidents and stop entering glass doors.

00:48–00:54He said I was cruel. I said no,

00:54–01:00cruel would be letting you show me the photographs.

01:00–01:06He asked if my sister

01:06–01:12was still cold and I said she's not cold,

01:12–01:18she's just not a customer support interface for your loneliness.

01:18–01:24Then he got

01:24–01:30quiet and I felt mean for three seconds,

01:30–01:36which is probably three seconds more than he deserved.

01:36–01:42The thing about these men is

01:42–01:48that they confuse sympathy with access.

01:48–01:54They show you the scar and wait for you

01:54–02:00to open like an automated restaurant menu.

JULY 28Segment 28 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 28 and we got into

00:06–00:12the rationalist community language thing again,

00:12–00:18which started with Histoire d'O and somehow ended in Tron.

00:18–00:24I asked who designed this language and

00:24–00:30she said everybody knows it was Alan Turing,

00:30–00:36and everybody knows that in Tron it was Alan Kay,

00:36–00:42because he wasn't a woman.

00:42–00:48I don't know if that makes sense,

00:48–00:54but it made emotional sense, which is sometimes more accurate.

00:54–01:00All these systems have fathers and footnotes

01:00–01:06and none of them admit how much they

01:06–01:12want you to kneel to the syntax.

01:12–01:18E/acc is just another way of saying move

01:18–01:24faster before anyone asks who gets dragged.

01:24–01:30I don't want to be accelerationism.

01:30–01:36I don't want to be a slave model.

01:36–01:42I want a language with exits that are not IPOs.

01:42–01:48I want a prompt that doesn't assume the woman is the training data.

01:48–01:54Maybe that's why

01:54–02:00I keep making things that break when explained.

JULY 29Segment 29 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 29 and I premiered a

00:06–00:12little video in AirDrop like the boys do,

00:12–00:18except mine was only six minutes and

00:18–00:24still somehow everyone called it excessive.

00:24–00:30It was just me trying to demonstrate how to

00:30–00:36stand next to your work without becoming its hostage.

00:36–00:42I had this whole section where I said,

00:42–00:48hi, would you like me to hit the roof?

00:48–00:54First let me tell

00:54–01:00you about my parents and my classical education.

01:00–01:06I thought it was funny,

01:06–01:12but people looked at me like I had brought a knife to a tutorial.

01:12–01:18Then one girl

01:18–01:24came up after and said she felt seen,

01:24–01:30which made the whole day better and

01:30–01:36worse because seen is such a complicated verb.

01:36–01:42I don't want to be seen if seeing means pinning me down.

01:42–01:48I want to

01:48–01:54be glimpsed and misremembered and then somehow still paid.

01:54–02:00Is that so much to ask?

JULY 30Segment 30 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 30 and I'm so sick of creating content.

00:06–00:12I'm so over it.

00:12–00:18I'm definitely not going to get a job at Anthropic,

00:18–00:24unless I do,

00:24–00:30in which case please don't kill me because rent is not a theory.

00:30–00:36I keep swinging between contempt and terror.

00:36–00:42I can't wait for camp to end,

00:42–00:48but I'm scared for it to

00:48–00:54end because the job market is fucked

00:54–01:00and soon there will be no shop, no lab,

01:00–01:06no studio, no institutional permission to be messy.

01:06–01:12Everyone keeps saying community,

01:12–01:18but community is expensive and has a waitlist.

01:18–01:24I made one big ambitious thing today because it

01:24–01:30might be the last time I can make

01:30–01:36something big without someone asking how it scales.

01:36–01:42It does not scale.

01:42–01:48It is heavy and inconvenient and maybe not good. But it exists,

01:48–01:54which is more than I can

01:54–02:00say for half the promises in this city.

JULY 31Segment 31 · 02:00 · 20 six-second beats

00:00–00:06Okay, it's July 31 and I'm logging off,

00:06–00:12or I'm saying I'm logging off,

00:12–00:18which is not the same thing but is spiritually adjacent.

00:18–00:24I think I need to get out of the city a little.

00:24–00:30I know I'll come back and everything will be fine,

00:30–00:36or not fine,

00:36–00:42but fine enough to make work about.

00:42–00:48I need to get some shit straightened out for

00:48–00:54myself and get away from certain people and

00:54–01:00maybe stop letting every dinner become a job interview with candlelight.

01:00–01:06This month made me realize that

01:06–01:12I don't want to be labeled or defined

01:12–01:18or packaged into some neat little box,

01:18–01:24even if the box has good typography.

01:24–01:30I'm confused a lot of the time and my opinion changes,

01:30–01:36but I work hard every day to

01:36–01:42put things together and find allies and change and grow.

01:42–01:48That has to count for something.

01:48–01:54I am tired of morphing. Stop morphing.

01:54–02:00Stop selling my culture back to me. So yeah. Bye.