Of cawse I always did look like I just gotten out of bed because I had just gotten out of bed.

Plus the fact that they said I didn't have sheet cayuh hwenevuh that mean. So I went to theah special beauty salon to get my hayuh straight.

In a hahf an hour I had two bald spots, one heah and one heah.

Now heah it is stubble. Hwen I ran my head across the top of my scalp, it felt like buhned grahss.

You know, the the scawched uhth policy and Vietnam. Well, that was my head scawched uhth policy.

So I went back and said, My deah Mistuh Caruso, you will have to give me a week I simply

cahn't wuhk with a scawched uhth head. And he said, Oh, making trouble again, all yaw models,

all you do is make trouble trouble fell off it. Well, I guess I'll have to sue you. So I sued him.

That was many yeeuhs ago. And it still hasn't come to cawt dyoo to the fact that I was arrested faw contempt of cawt.

But you know, I was jaywalking. And I had about five tickets, adding up to about $100.

And if only kept coming to get me so I went. And I was standing theah in LA and

all these othuh people wuh getting in line ahead of me plunking theah money down.

And this young lawyuh came up and said, That's the Assistant DA. That's hwy he can get his money down fuhst.

Just because you don't have any influence in the cawts. Yaw not getting them to put yaw money down. I mean, can you imagine that taking yaw money.

This is ahftuh sending the 10 different rooms and three different days because I was going to the wrong room wrong tuhm.

So finding ways to complete rockets in the cawt. And I said,

Yaw Honaw, she sat theah with the American flag behind him bigguh than life theah you sit with the American flag

bigguh than life hwile yaw taking bribes from the assistant district attawney. Now just because I don't happen to have

any Paul in this paht of the country. It's no reason hwy I shouldn't be able to get out of heah.

You should be ashamed. That young lady, stay right theah. I'm sending two policemen and I'm putting you right in jail contempt of cawt.

And I looked theah and I saw these two jail cells right down the hall and

I thought I really should go to jail faw the principle of the thing. So grimy. I just couldn't face that.

I thought God, how long will I rot in jail? So anothuh lawyuh came up and said,

like this is a very humane judge just apologize to him and everything will be all right.

So I sat down and stahted to giggle and I couldn't stop giggling. I just sat and giggled and giggled and giggled hwile all these little you know,

petty thieves came and went muhduhs adulteruhs, no kisses Kenema finally,

and they had a cop and eithuh side of me and I looked around and I stahted guns. I pulled out my sketchpad and I stahted

drawing guns and holstuhs and belts and buckles and guns and holstuhs. And they loved the drawings and I

was passing drawings out to them with guns. I was really crying by this time.

But hwen I stopped crying, I stahted lahfing with the combination of lahfing and crying and I put yaw honaw, I'm gonna go live with me.

I'm really terribly sorry, I really didn't mean to be rude to you. He said, All right.

Don't let it happen again. I'll let you go this time, but just don't let it happen.

Again, this is A Cawt of Justice, a cawt of law, we have to have awduh in heah. So I went away back to my

modeling job because I was jaywalking to try to get theah on time as they send you one place

at nine one place at 931 place at 10 o'clock. So finally, I decided I just had enough.

And I went way up nawth to the St. Lawrence Rivuh. And then they stahted calling me from America.

They kept calling me saying Oh, everything you just did. We'd like to do a lot. We'd like you to wuhk with Pam.

John can make down so I came back down again. And photographuh who was doing the job I had a

they had already done and two remains very populah pahticulah time. I'm going to shayuh our Mawgan method.

I did it on huh route. I did it on me. Oh god. Is that walked into the studio,

the assistant editaw was looking at the context and she said Cahn't we do something with huh nose right heah?

I mean that won't do at all. US dropping the dollah now is doesn't look too bad in this hwen not only

did I not have she cared I do but I did not even have a sheep nose.

Then she got into my neck. That bow neck. Cahn't we cut that down? Can we do a little retouching?

Now we've got I had a not bad neck. I mean, I cuhtainly wouldn't call it a bull neck.

So she got a hold of me latuh and said No, my deah. You know if yaw really serious about this,

I think that you should go to the museum, the Metropolitan Museum of Aht and study paintings of women from every age

and take all the magazines and study everything luhn hayuhdos, no makeup luhn style just got I mean it was.

They said Cleopatra's nose was an inch shawtuh, it would have changed the cawse of history.

And I said to huh, Well, puhhaps I should have the nose change. And she said, Oh, my deah. Oh, hwy not yaw greatest asset?

Don't you do it to? And then I fawgot, hwat about the hayuh, puhhaps a bit of straightening?

Oh, tell change of thing. Just go to the museum and study women. So I didn't think that I needed to

spend any maw time in the museum. I've spent hahf my life in the museum itself.

And I said, Well, I guess that just won't wuhk anymaw. Fawget it, I'll do something else. I cahn't think of anything else to say.

Then, and I'll get hahf the money. So I got not only one, but I found two.

And I got them both. And they both of them only spent a week at it.

And managed to find that very wealthy man and went off to travel the wuhld. But I was left holding the bag.

Nyoo Yawk school because I got a postcahd from huh from Africa. You know how Africa it had nothing written on it.

Just nothing. And I found up in the uppuh left hand cawnuh 26 degrees latitude.

So I looked it up in the encyclopedia. And it's a 26 degrees latitude of Africa. Now hwat is she doing in Africa?

Who is suppawting huh? I'd like to know. So I said, Well, puhhaps she has a job wuhking on a steamuh.

You know, maybe she's a chef aw something she sent me that. I know all about you guhls.

I know all about you. Yaw no good. Yaw no good. Who's suppawting huh now? 26 degrees latitude.

Meanwhile, the next one. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. She said making any money at hwat yaw doing?

Painting anybody by them making any money. Hwy don't you wuhk? Wuhk wuhk. Mom, you ah hwen was the lahst time you wuh?

Oh, my deah mothuh. My dad has been taking cayuh of you faw the pahst 30 yeeuhs.

Back hwen you wuh my age, you wuh well ensconced with yaw minks and diamonds. Houses you who's taking cayuh of me.

So you can think about it Money, money, money, money. Do you evuh have anothuh thought in yaw head but money?

Just kind of leave? Hwy don't you get out of heah? Bring this big,

fantastic club cherubs pretty painted on the wall Stanfawd hwite belt it gold gilt you know the the rejects from the 400 You know,

the faw hundreds grandmothuh's sitting around and theyuh black taffeta dresses and hwite doily lace Cahlos sitting around a table the table and my fathuh saying,

huh? Watch it and I know people in heah and watch it.

Tuhn it down, tuhn it down. Be careful. No, I know people. And hwen I said, Well, I don't give a fuck who you know,

they don't know you. Yeah. You could be just anybody. Meanwhile, ovuh in the othuh cawnuh of the room,

ships, the one legged millionaiyuh from Switzuhland, who my fathuh put on to us, my deah, calling us hawse who is doing the pimping.

Who's doing the pimping? Well, he called us up about a yeeuh ago and took guhls,

I just met Alan's out the banks in Switzuhland. So we went and he said to us now he's

in the bah and he's coming out. He's got a wooden leg don't mention his limp. Said really?

Don't we see bow rebounds every day. Don't worry maw sophisticated. We've seen a limb peeuh aw lend theah canes ah nothing nyoo.

We won't say a wuhd. So you check. The faw of us went to dinnuh.

And heah is one leg had been one hand unduh the table and one sistuh in one hand and me squeeze on my fathuh's sitting ovuh theah.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, yes, I have a wrench to it. You call that a wrench.

400 Cheap that all died tape. Ahftuh you got the sheep expuhts in Canada down to take cayuh of

them who tried to rate me by the way. You call that a ranch that scraggly little sheep and you said pay any attention to huh.

She thinks she could run everything bettuh than I could like nothing bettuh than

to have my money and run the whole show. And I've had yaw damn right to run into a hell

of a lot bettuh than you do. Giving you He took out his claim schedule faw the weekend to Texas

and ahsked my othuh sistuh if she'd like to take a little trip to Texas with him to his ranch.

And I was getting a little jealous by this tuhm. You know, I wish I could have liked to go to Texas.

It was awfully hot Nyoo Yawk. It was hot in Texas.

But anyway, they wuh all those black and gets in all those goldfish ponds, and all those branches and everything else and he was taking Jeannette off to the ranch.

So he shoved it back in his pocket just as my fathuh came back to the table.

And so hwat his schedule his planned schedule, you know, should we go TWA aw Eastuhn aw how should

we go and grab yawself home and the next week? My fathuh comes out and says Well, have you seen wooden leg?

And I told him no, he called us out but he wouldn't like actually did come to dinnuh

So he went out and bought Slim Jim smoked sausages faw us to eat faw dinnuh. And he just seemed so elegant.

Theah we had one wickuh chayuh on a stool with his wooden leg up on the stool and the wickuh chayuh not minding us to know it was wuhking.

And they wuh everything was just so tense that I left I went out

and just left I called up somebody and said I cahn't take it down to you.

So I called my sistuh to kind of know hwat happened and he wanted me to comb my hayuh a different way.

So I went and got a hayuh brush and stahted calming. No she wouldn't get the hayuh brush and comb huh hayuh.

She said I don't want to cut my hayuh. I just spent all day in the beauty pahlaw and

he said let me if you can do a little thing faw me is comb yaw hayuh differently.

I don't know and he lahfed and I'm so upset. So I said well don't worry it was probably the bayuh floaws

on the floaws no fuhnituh and no food he thinks hwat kind of a family do they come from ahftuh

all this talk about ranches and idea somebody's crazy in theah family who is it?

So I called my fathuh and I said dad we just lost a customuh Hwy Hwy hwat happened? Hwat happened happened?

I thought he'd like funny nyoo guhls like hwen he was like yaw little myself. So I said well he just disappeared into the cleeuh blue.

You know we don't have any fuhnituh back from send a rock right down right down.

So the next day down came wall to wall gold Cahpani. So I thought well now hwat we should do is

call him up every week until we lost anothuh millionaiyuh and puhhaps we'd get fuhnituh and stereo recawd playuhs and television sets and everything.

So I stahted calling the next week I said anothuh one just got away.

Dad, you got to do something about this. So he said, Well, Ron, you've got a Rog, hwat else do you need?

I'm Yeah, All right, I sit on the rug. I said, Well, look, I mean,

Well, by the unduh six months, we had the whole place fuhnished. Not a millionaiyuh in sight, though.

Find me the millionaiyuh came back, and he called me and he said, but I must tell you that every time he reappeared on the scene,

he has Spain and Switzuhland, and he said, Look at my scah, misguide nanny within a cah crash,

he not only carried the photograph of the woman who hit him ovuh the head with the chain, because he wouldn't fuck huh.

But he also carried a photograph of the Jaguah he cracked up in.

And then the thuhd time he came, it was anothuh accident. Someone beat him up and I said,

you don't need a wife you need a bodyguahd and a nuhse, somebody to push the hweelchayuh.

Well, this is just getting back to the story about the postcahd from Morocco. Ah you still running? Well, um,

we wuh sitting theah talking about the postcahd from Morocco and Metropolitan Club. Theah was theah I looked up and theah was a guhl I had

known faw yeeuhs with a wooden like, man. And I said, Oh, by the smile, weeuh out.

They all said they all know each othuh. My mothuh said, I saw huh sitting theah hwen I walked in,

in the cawnuh chayuh and I said, She doesn't look like she belongs heah. I bet she's meaning that she thinks yaw the SP The trouble is she does.

My mothuh. And she said I had nevuh met this woman.

But I nyoo that's who she was heah to me. And in he walked and I nyoo it was him from his

lamp and showing out if yaw fathuh said, Ah, how ah you? And then she went on and on again

about I nyoo she'd have to be a friend of you guhls. So the Swiss men,

she gets the guhl who was having a date with this with the wooden leg guy lahst night.

And hwen my guy was the one who came and ran off because we didn't have any rugs is still around. Oh yes. He's still around.

Maybe we should do. And I. I introduced him to Katrina and he gave huh a $300 guitah.

He would call up and he would say, my dahling, you've nevuh even held his hand. Lankan McKesson.

I'm gonna say my dahling I'm so lonely heah. I want to see you please come have dinnuh with me and I thought you

wuh not with my sistuh Anita not too bizarre with you ah loved. But I thought that you wuh in love with that othuh man.

Hwen I met you, yaw sistuh. She is called. It was always you ah loved.

Please, please come and see me. So finally, I thought all right. And backtracking you realize this is weeuh bringing

it up to about six months ago. So I put on my only squayuh dress I could find and went to this horrible,

horrible expensive rat something like the del Monaco grill. And the waituh came up and said

med Moselle so I sent them to me and Sue. You wanted me to awduh not having been in one

of those places since I was five. I wasn't awayuh of the procedures said they brought me clams on the

hahf shell beautifully done on a stuhling silvuh clown play with the lemon wrapped in gauze so he was spreading yaw eye.

And everything was so beautiful. I just sat theah staring at it faw about a hahf an hour.

Of cawse I was stoned out of my mind. I had to tuhn on to even face him.

And I tuhned to him and befaw we went, I sit out have a little pot on huh cheek have little pot so he's puffing away.

And we get theah and all I can do is stayuh at the clams.

I said theyuh so beautiful. Oh, I can eat them. Look at me. Look at this lemon.

wrapped up like a little bunting A Little Baby Bunting like Christ in His slot.I got him stoned that all I could do was look at it.

I didn't want to deface it by eating it. You see?

So oh wooden leg was getting terribly Petuh because I was crazy heah. It takes a stahving creatuh dressed well.

I had a bearish crepe dress from Jack's flaw managuh was awdinary like this was befaw the mini I was about to heeuh.

And I kept saying, let me staht pulling out maw photographs. You know, he said, This is the guhl and beat me up.

So you showed me that six months ago. That's hwat he lives. Oh, man that's not met.

And then he came up to me and said, he had just gotten an accident again six months ago,

six weeks ago with the fuhst thing he told us anyway, then things like, like the doctaws, the doctaws told me, I'm a Supuhman, Supuhman.

I should have been in the hospital faw two yeeuhs, my jaw was cracked up, my teeth wuh falling out.

I'm a Supuhman. I had my dentist in theah in two days. And he completely fixed me up.

And I was walked right out of theah and six weeks wiped out so he could get into his next accident.

Right. So anyway, my fathuh said, Well, I just cahn't unduhstand hwy he isn't seeing yaw sistuh anymaw.

I mean, maybe he found out about huh pahst. Maybe he found out about huh pahst I said,

Hwat do you mean, yaw pahst he could, you know, that felt like she was living with?

I said, Well, I'm shuah he unduhstand that throughout. You know, I'm shuah he's had mistresses this woman hit him in the head with

the chain because he wouldn't factaw you know, he must have been fucking heah befaw. He said, I'm talking about that.

And kind of hwat hwat did I bring up? Of cawse, he doesn't have mistresses.

I mean, I mean, of cawse, he doesn't have women. I mean, He's a fine man, a fine man, a pillah of the community.

And I said, But dad, he's 50 yeeuhs old Sean, and yaw not trying to say he went through his life without evuh,

you know, getting laid? And he said, suppose he was divawced aw you divawce?

Aw divawce Canada divawce? I mean, he already had a married doc to him, right? So getting bored.

Can we tuhn it off faw a minute? A young guhl should be at the time. I believed him.

I thought not only am I a manic depressive, paranoid schizophrenic that cetera through the whole Freudian textbook, but on top of that, suddenly,

TEDx on welfayuh eventually tried to cuh my frigidity. Finally, he stahted talking about sadomasochism, you know with thing and he was very interested in it,

it seemed he stahted reading the you know, he's Edwahd Stovall recommended it to me, so I read it.

And I said that a lot of trash the fuhst two chaptuhs of fine but ahftuh you get into it,

you realize it definitely was not written by any pahty in reality,

hwatevuh the name was supposed to be some man just like you wrote it to countless women into thinking we should all be math.

So I went to a literary expuht, who was also and then yes, you know, my unduhground Nyoo Yawk,

a woman said who did read this book? She said, Well, rock has been but he knows it was done to buy Beretta.

He knows that tape, hatless was on. deployment. So I thought not only did I get the dope and who wrote the book,

but I should introduce this woman to this levuh I had now she could find him slayed guhls themselves.

So I grabbed them up and they hit it off like mad.

He'd say said to me now theahs a real woman really European woman can you believe it in 1967 he was still talking

about a European women vuhsus American men. Can you believe it? But anyway well mannered that.

Well, she was about to defy hwen she had just given buhth. She said anyway, he really dug the whole thing that she

was really a woman and she nyoo hwat he was talking about. Of cawse hwen he left he said to me, get rid of him.

Well, anyway, he called me up every day please get me a slave guhl get me slave.

slave guhl that woman must know some slave guhls ahftuh all, you know this pahty should go to so I said.

Well, my deah I have suhched Ty alone you will nevuh find a slave guhl that will

hold yaw interest hahf as much as I so I'll volunteeuh. I'll be right down.

I was madly in love with him having a nuhvous breakdown that I was frigid. You know but if tried anything so down I went in the taxi He said,

I want the image of you sitting with a cold taxi leathuh against yaw beeuh. And I said all right,

I'll do everything so I got down cut my clothes and of cawse it was freezing cold hwipped into a restaurant like

the ladies room took off might be attacked pants etc. came creeping up the stayuhs and then you don't talk to Doug Taylaw.

Don't talk. Put yaw hands behind yaw back. Wow. Take off yaw boots.

Well, he gave me to wax with this hwip that wuh enough. I mean, Christ wouldn't have been able to stand on the cross.

You know, Fathuh fawgive them. He would have just wrenched himself off and killed whoevuh did it.

Did that evuh huht to wax on the soles of my feet? But I stahted I actually stahted I thought if theah

is anything that yaw vuhginity and this is it, I'll do it. I want to be a real woman European style.

Love it digguh. And he said Nero you couldn't take it. No, you couldn't take it.

I said, I can take it. I can take it and I won't scream yet. Nanny hit me on the palms of the hands.

Well, if you think this sounds bad, you should experience Oh, play the piano. Okay. Bye.

I had a welt on my hand. I thought my hand was dropped. And of cawse I had been used to it

from daily family squabbles as a child. So then he threw me on the bed and stahted again and I said stop.

You've got the wrong guhl. Yaw right. I cahn't make the thing I have to be fitted faw the rest of my life.

You know, he really wanted he really wanted me to beat him up.

Heah is hwich I came to conclusion of the whole thing. Yeah. But this is going on hwile my sistuh is up

in the rug was depahtment with the wooden leg gagne telling huh to brush yaw hayuh anothuh way this is

the same night I went down theah to him to get away from the wooden leg guy.

And hwat did I run into tawtuh? So I decided to stop seeing him faw a hwile my bruises healed.

yelling chatted my back to our intellectual convuhsations talked about Proust and, and Marie Bonapahte who wrote a nyoo book.

Women sexuality and all that gahbage. Freudian gold. She's a current writuh Marie Bolden, Mary Donna Pat, current writuh straight from the ahms of Freud.

You see the trouble with theah right don't trust anybody ovuh 30 anybody ovuh 30 is hung up in this Freudian,

European American women, heterosexual, supuh heterosexual bag. And the way I figuh it out is the supuh heterosexual bag.

It's just simply sadomasochism picked on sadomasochism faw data. So I went home a

few weeks latuh I got to be a lesbian and heterosexual if all the heterosexual men I know and theyuh all like that ah like that.

And it seems that theyuh all like, you know, big pain.

You have to go to lowuh classes. I tried lowuh clahss, they wuh all empty. T heads.

Yes, this construction like you said baby, I'm a T had nothing to do with B A T had a T head and I said okay,

smokes and T so he smokes and T analysis time to get out of the house the othuh day.

He's a baby. I just got this vision. Yaw going down on me and biting me off.

And I said, well make shuah you keep the vision because I'm leaving the house right. So I went in the bedroom to

put on the rest of my mega and he must have just seen a movie Mahlon Brando aw something.

Because hwen I got to the daw of the bedroom theah he was posed in doawway,

like behind him dahk in the bedroom and I said, Oh God, do I have to go through this again.

And I tried to crawl unduh his ahm and he came in to baby to grab me by the hayuh. Shop my head down to my pants.

I said You must be kidding, but you used to be so gentle and impotent.

Remembuh pawt Jeff used to go to pawt Jeff to fish and cook clown faw Jeffuhson long and I said remembuh the

fun used to have a pawt Jack. He nevuh grabbed me by the hayuh on my head.

Don't rip it all out again. It seems that everything runs and parallels. So he kept it up.

I said, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to scream. He didn't think I'd scream so I laid out a piuhcing shriek the doctaw upstayuhs playing the piano.

All brain suhgeons play the piano in theah spayuh time.

Did you know that hwile the doctaw upstayuhs was playing the piano, some great Chopin thing, you know,

the kind they always play in movies hwen somebody is having a nuhvous breakdown in a silk slip, and theah I was unduh this construction man’s ahm,

screaming my lungs out, and all I could think was, oh God, now I’ve ruined his ahpeggios.

I mean, imagine it, he’s up theah with his little suhgeon’s finguhs, finguhs that have been in people’s brains all day,

all clean and pink and intellectual, and unduhneath him is this guhl with hahf a head of hayuh shrieking because some

man has decided he saw Mahlon Brando once and therefaw owns the doawway. And then the screaming wuhked, hwich was the wuhst paht of it.

Because if you scream and it doesn’t wuhk, you become a tragic figuh,

but if you scream and it does wuhk, suddenly you have a method. I thought, my God, this is hwat they mean by liberation.

Not books, not lectures, not Freud, not Marie Bonapahte, not some man with a hwip telling you you ah not European enough.

Just a good shriek in a tenement with a brain suhgeon upstayuhs.

So he let go of me and said, hwat ah you trying to do, wake up the whole building?

And I said, dahling, the whole building has been awake faw yeeuhs. They’re all sitting in theah unduhweeuh listening through the pipes, pretending to read the Times.

Then the doctaw upstayuhs stopped playing, and that silence was wuhse than the piano.

You know hwen someone stops playing the piano and you know everyone is listening? It was like the whole building inhaled.

And then from upstayuhs I huhd one note, just one note, plink, like judgment. Like he was saying, I’m a doctaw,

I know hysteria hwen I heeuh it. So I grabbed my coat, and the construction man said, you’re crazy,

And I walked out with one boot on and one boot in my hand because he had thrown it somewhere, probably trying to be passionate,

and I had to go down six flights with one bayuh foot, hwich is a very humbling thing in Nyoo Yawk

because you nevuh know hwat you’re stepping in, and I thought, well, if I die of lockjaw at least

it will be a woman’s disease at lahst, something respectable with a chaht. So I got into the street and hailed a cab,

and the cab drivuh looked back and said, lady, you okay? I said, I’m fine, I’ve just been through Westuhn civilization.

He said, hweah to? And I couldn’t remembuh hweah I lived. I really couldn’t.

I thought, theah ah only three places faw a woman to go in this city at night, a man’s apahtment, huh mothuh’s apahtment, aw the emuhgency room.

And all three involve waiting. So I said, just drive. And he said, lady, I don’t just drive.

I said, hwy not? Isn’t that hwat taxis do? He said, you got to give me an address.

So I gave him the address of the Metropolitan Museum because that editaw had told me to go study women,

and I thought, all right, I’ll go study them right now, at two in the mawning with one boot.

I’ll stand outside those big doaws and look up at all those stone women and say, well, did any of you have sheet cayuh?

Did any of you have a bull neck? Did any of you evuh have a

man ahsk you to take off yaw pants in a taxi faw the image of it? But the museum was closed, of cawse.

Cultuh always closes just hwen you need it. So I sat on the steps and put on my othuh boot,

and theah was this guahd standing theah looking at me like I was going to steal the obelisk,

and I said, don’t worry, I’m not going in. I’ve already been educated. And he said, you can’t sit heah.

I said, hwy not? He said, rules. And I thought, rules, rules, rules.

Cawts have rules, restaurants have rules, men have rules, beauty salons have rules, even the museum steps have rules.

I thought about my fathuh, who nyoo people, and my mothuh, who nyoo latitude, and my sistuhs,

who nyoo how to disappeeuh with men and leave me holding the postcahds. And I thought, I’m the only one in the family who doesn’t know anything useful.

I don’t know how to marry money, I don’t know how to keep

a man with a wooden leg interested, I don’t know how to get my hayuh straightened without losing acreage,

I don’t know how to go to cawt without accusing the judge of corruption unduh the flag.

All I know how to do is leave places dramatically. And even that costs cab fayuh. The next mawning my mothuh called.

I had not slept, I had one foot black from the stayuhwell, and she said, hweah wuh you lahst night?

I said, I was studying women. She said, hwat? I said, women, Mothuh. From every age. They told me to study them.

She said, ah they paying you faw that? And theah it was again, money, money, money, the only religion in the house.

I said, no, they ah not paying me to study women. She said, then hwy ah you doing it?

I said, because apparently I am defective in six historical periods. She said, don’t be smaht.

I said, I’m not smaht. I’m exhausted. She said, yaw sistuh sent anothuh cahd. I said, from Africa?

She said, no, this one is from somewhere with a stamp that looks like a monkey. I looked it up. It might be Ceylon.

Aw it might be from a zoo. I said, Mothuh, puhhaps she’s become a missionary. She said, missionary? Yaw sistuh?

Don’t make me lahf. I know hwat guhls become hwen they travel with no retuhn address. Then she said, ah you making money?

I said, no. She said, hwy don’t you wuhk? I said, I have been wuhking.

I was nuhly muhdered by style. She said, everybody is muhdered by something. Yaw fathuh was muhdered by taxes.

I said, Daddy is alive. She said, spiritually. Spiritually muhdered by taxes. Then she said, hwy don’t you come to lunch?

I said, I can’t go to that club again. She said, nobody ahsked you to go to the club.

At Schrafft’s they’re loose, they’re free-range, they can attack you with menus. But I went. Of cawse I went.

You always go hwen yaw mothuh calls because even if you don’t believe in God, you believe in guilt.

I walked in and she was sitting theah with gloves on, eating chicken salad like she was interrogating it.

She looked at my hayuh and said, hwat happened now? I said, nothing happened now. This is the same old disastuh growing out.

She said, you should weeuh a hat. I said, I don’t want to weeuh a hat. She said, all women should weeuh hats.

I said, Mothuh, women weeuh hats hwen society has defeated them from the neck up. She said, don’t be vulgah.

Then she leaned across the table and hwispered, yaw fathuh says the Swiss man is back.

I said, the wooden leg? She said, not so loud. I said, Mothuh, the man has a wooden leg, not a secret leg.

She said, he is very sensitive. I said, he keeps showing everyone photographs of his injuries like holy cahds.

She said, well, he has suffered. I said, so have I. I have suffered unduh men with all theah limbs.

At least he has an excuse. She said, yaw fathuh thinks he might be very interested in yaw sistuh again.

I said, hwich sistuh? She said, hwichevuh one behaves. I said, that narrows it down to nobody.

Then my fathuh arrived, late, of cawse, with that look men have hwen they entuh a restaurant and expect history to paht faw them.

He kissed my mothuh on the cheek and said, watch it, I know people heah. He hadn’t even sat down.

Just entered and wahned us. I said, Daddy, do you know the waitress? He said, don’t staht.

I said, I just want to know who is safe and who is not. He said, you guhls have no sense of propawtion.

I said, Daddy, you introduced us to a man with one leg who put his hand unduh

the table on both of us hwile you talked about sheep. I think we have propawtion. It’s just not yaw propawtion.

He said, you exaggerate everything. I said, yes, but only to make it accurate.

and then suddenly he’s misunduhstood. My mothuh said, lowuh yaw voice. I said, hwy?

Does chicken salad carry? My fathuh said, I don’t like yaw attitude. I said, neithuh do I,

but it’s the only one that fits since the beauty salon buhned off my altuhnatives. Then he told me I should go back to modeling.

He said, you had a good thing theah. I said, I had bald spots. He said, hayuh grows.

I said, cawt cases apparently do not. He said, you should settle. I said, I would settle faw a scalp.

He said, you always have to make a principle out of everything. I said, somebody has to.

You people make fuhnituh out of lost millionaires. My mothuh said, that was yaw idea. I said, and a good one.

We got a couch out of moral collapse. That’s maw than most families get. And then as if summoned by the wuhd millionaiyuh, in came the Swiss man.

Not with my sistuh, not with the guhl from the club,

but with a nyoo woman, a very thin woman in a leopahd hat who looked like she had been bawn in a

dressing room and nevuh found the exit. He came limping ovuh, smiling that brave accident smile, and my fathuh stood up like he was receiving royalty.

My mothuh put on huh society face, hwich is the same as huh migraine face,

and I sat theah eating bread because bread is the only honest thing in those places.

He said, my dahling, to all three of us, hwich was efficient. Then he said, I have just come back from Madrid.

I said, wuh you hit by anything? He lahfed and said, always you ah joking. I said, no, I’m taking inventory.

He pulled out a photograph. Of cawse. This time it was not a cah. It was a stayuhcase.

He had fallen down a stayuhcase in Madrid. He had a photograph of the stayuhcase. Who photographs a stayuhcase ahftuh falling down it?

He said, this is hweah I nuhly died. I said, it’s very handsome. The stayuhcase, I mean.

He said, you have no huht. I said, I have a huht, it’s just not in yaw scrapbook.

but theah is nothing maw vulgah than a woman pretending not to know hwy she is with a rich man. I prefuh the honest ones.

The honest ones sit down and say, yes, he is hideous, but so is rent. At least that has dignity.

But this one kept saying, dahling, you mustn’t tiyuh yawself, dahling, yaw poaw leg, dahling, Madrid was too much faw you,

and I thought, oh, she has found the role. The nuhse-countess. Very populah with injured millionaires.

You see, I had been trying to be a woman from every age, but I had missed nuhse-countess.

Nobody at the Metropolitan tells you about nuhse-countess. Then my fathuh said, puhhaps we should all have dinnuh. I said, no. He said, hwy not?

I said, because the lahst time we all had dinnuh, he tried to puhchase my sistuh with a flight

schedule and then left our apahtment because theah was no rug. The Swiss man said, ah, but now you have a rug.

I said, yes, Daddy bought it ahftuh you fled. He said, I did not flee.

I said, you limped with uhgency. My mothuh kicked me unduh the table. I said, don’t kick me, I’ve just recovered from being disciplined by a heterosexual intellectual.

That was hwen my fathuh’s face tuhned gray. He said, hwat is that supposed to mean?

I said, nothing, Daddy. Just that I have been studying Europe privately. My mothuh said, please, not heah.

I said, hweah? Theah is no private place in America. Apahtments have thin walls, restaurants have mirraws, cawts have flags,

museums have guahds, and families have telephones. Ahftuh lunch I went to see the psychiatrist because naturally ahftuh seeing my family I needed professional unemployment.

He was in this little office full of dead plants and Viennese fuhnituh,

and he always looked as if he had just swallowed a secret. I told him I had screamed, and he said,

good, very good, puhhaps we ah reaching the primal material. I said, no, we wuh reaching the neighbaws.

He said, hwat did you feel? I said, cold. I had one boot off. He said, deepuh. I said, linoleum.

He said, you resist. I said, I resist because hwenevuh I stop resisting somebody calls it femininity. He said, you ah angry at men.

Women have been angry at men since caves. He said, puhhaps you feeuh surrenduh.

I said, no, I feeuh being bored hwile surrendering. He said, you intellectualize. I said, you invoice. He said, this is hostility.

I said, this is two dollahs. He said, yaw welfayuh arrangement is highly irregulah. I said, so am I.

That’s hwy we’re compatible. Then he ahsked about my dreams. I said, I dreamed I was in a beauty salon and all the hayuh dryuhs wuh judges.

He said, interesting. I said, they kept saying contempt, contempt, contempt,

and then one of them tuhned into my mothuh and ahsked if I was making money. He said, and hweah was yaw fathuh?

I said, selling tickets. He said, to whom? I said, to men with canes.

He got very excited about that, you know, because canes ah practically a whole careeuh to those people. I said, don’t get excited.

A cane is sometimes just a cane, especially in my family hweah everybody’s falling apaht. He said, you must stop making jokes.

I said, then I’ll have nothing left but the facts, and the facts ah unbearable. He said, jokes ah defense mechanisms.

I said, of cawse they ah. Hwat do you want me to defend myself with, a hatpin?

He said, you ah afraid of yaw own tenduhness. I said, no, I’m afraid of othuh people’s fuhnituh.

Every time I get tenduh, some man wants me to sit on the flaw because he has no couch aw he wants to beat

me with a theory aw he wants to show me a photograph of his damaged Jaguah. Tenduhness is not the problem.

Inventory is the problem. Then he fell asleep. Not completely, but one eye went soft, you know,

the expensive eye, and I realized I was paying a sleeping man to tell me I was repressed.

So I stopped talking and stahted drawing his shoes. He woke up and said, hwat ah you doing? I said, sublimating.

He said, that’s very hostile. I said, they’re hostile shoes. Ahftuh that I decided I would nevuh be cured. Cured of hwat?

Of being awake? Of noticing? Of not wanting to be hit, retouched, straightened, married, improved, Europeanized, aw seated propuhly?

Ahtistic is the nice one they use hwen they want to borrow money from you aw sleep with you.

Difficult is the one they use hwen you ahsk to be paid. So I went back to the modeling agency, not because I wanted to,

but because I owed everyone money, including the sleeping psychiatrist, and they had a job faw gloves. Just hands.

I thought, fine, hands ah safe. Nobody evuh says yaw hands have a bull neck.

But hwen I got theah, the photographuh looked at my hands and said, can we do something about these? I said, about hwat?

He said, they’re too expressive. I said, they’re hands. He said, yes, but they look like they’ve lived. I said, they have.

He said, the client wants innocent hands. I said, puhhaps hiyuh a baby. He said, don’t be difficult.

Then they brought in a hand consultant. Can you imagine? A hand consultant. A woman whose whole life was cuticles.

She took my finguhs and tuhned them ovuh like stolen goods and said, you must nevuh wash dishes.

I said, I don’t own dishes. She said, you must sleep with cream gloves. I said, I don’t sleep with anybody that awganized.

She said, yaw knuckles ah dramatic. I said, thank you. She said, it wasn’t a compliment.

I said, I know, but I’m accepting everything now. They put the gloves on me, hwite gloves, the kind women weeuh hwen they’re pretending

they have nevuh touched themselves aw anybody else, and they told me to hold a cigarette. Not smoke it, hold it.

The cigarette had to look desired but not used. That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? Desired but not used.

Women, cigarettes, gloves, apahtments, sistuhs, rich men, even rugs. Everything must look available and untouched.

I held the cigarette, and the photographuh said, softuh. I held it softuh. He said, maw longing. I longed. He said, less intelligent.

I said, that I can do; I’ve been training. Then the assistant editaw came in, the same kind of guhl,

not the same guhl but the same species, all bones and opinion, and said, huh wrists ah wrong. I said, my wrists?

She said, they’re a little tragic. I said, my wrists have had a hahd week. She said, puhhaps retouch.

no nose, no neck, no scalp, no pahst, no welfayuh, no mothuh, no fathuh, no sistuhs in Africa, no men with wooden legs,

no intellectuals with hwips, no opinions. Draw huh floating theah in gloves, holding a cigarette she doesn’t smoke, and then pay huh hahf.

They fired me again. Well, not fired, because models ah nevuh fired.

They ah simply not called, hwich is maw elegant. Silence with lipstick. So I went home and found my sistuh theah,

the one who was supposed to be teaching school aw being suppawted by longitude, I nevuh nyoo hwich.

She was sitting on the rug smoking one of my cigarettes and wearing a dress I had lost two yeeuhs befaw.

I said, hweah have you been? She said, Morocco. I said, Mothuh said Africa. She said, Morocco is in Africa.

I said, don’t be geographic with me. She said, I came back because I’m tired. I said, of hwat? She said, being interesting.

I unduhstood that completely. Being interesting is exhausting. Men want you to be interesting until you interest them in something they didn’t authorize.

Then they want you to be calm. My sistuh had a tan and a bracelet and

that look women get hwen they have luhned something expensive. I said, who was suppawting you? She said, various climates.

I said, Mothuh is going insane ovuh 26 degrees latitude. She said, good, at least she’s luhning geography.

Then she told me she had met a man who wanted to build a hotel in the desuht and name it ahftuh huh.

I said, did he? She said, no, he had no money. I said, then hwy wuh you with him?

She said, he had imagination. I said, dahling, imagination is hwat men call money befaw it arrives.

She said, you’re bittuh. I said, I’m not bittuh. I’m fuhnished. She looked around the apahtment and said, hweah did all this come from?

I said, failed seductions. The rug from wooden leg, the couch from almost wooden leg, the lamp from Daddy’s panic,

the coffee table from the week we pretended a bankuh might come, and the cuhtains from Mothuh deciding cuhtains make povuhty gentile.

My sistuh said, it’s nice. I said, yes, all it lacks is happiness, but that’s very hahd to finance.

I said, hwich one? He said, don’t play games. I said, Daddy, games ah the only inheritance you gave us.

He said, tell huh not to go out tonight. I said, hwy? He said, the Swiss man may call.

I said, she just came back from Morocco. He said, good, she’ll have things to talk about. I said, Daddy, is this a family aw a hotel lobby?

He said, you guhls don’t unduhstand oppawtunity. I said, oppawtunity is hwat men call it hwen they arrive with resuhvations.

My sistuh took the phone and said, Daddy, I’m not seeing him.

Then she listened faw a long time, rolling huh eyes, and finally said, Daddy, I don’t cayuh if he owns paht of Zurich.

Then she hung up and said, he says I’ll end up alone. I said, we all end up alone.

The question is hwethuh theah’s a rug. That night we got dressed to go out, not anywhere in pahticulah,

just out, because sometimes out is the only place you can stand yawself. She waw my dress because of cawse she did,

and I waw a coat ovuh nothing respectable. We went downtown to some loft hweah everyone was making films

without film and aht without objects and love without touching. I felt at home immediately.

Theah wuh guhls painted silvuh, boys in black tuhtlenecks who looked like they had been assembled from cigarettes, paintuhs who nevuh painted, poets who nevuh spoke,

and one man in a cape who claimed he had been in analysis with someone who had been

in analysis with someone who had known Freud’s dog. A guhl came up to me and said, ah you in the movie?

I said, dahling, I’m in several disastuhs. She said, no, the movie. I said, hwat movie?

She said, the one happening heah. I looked around and said, this is a movie? She said, everything is a movie.

I thought, that explains a lot. Cawt was a movie, lunch was a movie, modeling was a movie, my family was a movie with bad lighting.

The only problem was nobody evuh told me hweah to stand until I was standing wrong.

Then some man with a camera ahsked me to talk. I said, about hwat? He said, anything.

I stahted with the beauty salon and somehow ended up with the Swiss man’s stayuhcase in Madrid,

and everyone sat theah delighted because misery becomes chahm hwen it belongs to someone else. They lahfed and lahfed, and I thought, oh, I see.

In the agency they pay you not to be yawself, in cawt they jail you faw being yawself,

in psychiatry they diagnose you faw being yawself, but downtown they photograph it and call it aht.

So I kept talking. I talked about my mothuh measuring Africa with an encyclopedia, and my fathuh knowing people who didn’t know him,

and the wooden leg man buying smoked sausages because we had no food, and the hand consultant who found tragedy in my knuckles.

And the camera just looked at me. It didn’t interrupt, didn’t say lowuh yaw voice,

didn’t say don’t be difficult, didn’t ahsk if I made money. It just sat theah, black and stupid and devoted.

I thought, this is the ideal man. One eye, no hands. Aftuhwahds the man with the camera said, that was mahvelous.

I said, do I get paid? He said, paid? I said, yes, it’s the thing people do hwen they

take something from you and don’t want to call it theft. He said, we’re all wuhking faw the futuh.

I said, my landlawd prefuhs the present. He said, you have a very commuhcial mind. I said, only hwen hungry.

Then a critic came ovuh, very thin, with those glasses that make men look intelligent even hwen they’re only nuhsighted,

and he said, you have a remahkable puhsona. I said, I have a remahkable rent.

He said, no, really, the whole fractured female consciousness, the tragicomic self-exposuh, the critique of bawgeois femininity. I said, dahling, I was talking about my hayuh.

He said, exactly. I said, no, not exactly. Literally. Hayuh. Buhned grahss. Scawched uhth. Bald spots.

He said, the body as battlefield. I said, if that helps you buy a drink, use it. Then he said, you mustn’t let them exploit you.

I said, who? He gestured around at everyone. I said, too late.

I’ve been exploited by beauty, law, family, psychiatry, heterosexuality, and now cinema. Aht is just lahst in line. He said, you’re cynical.

At about faw in the mawning I went home with my sistuh and found my mothuh sitting in our apahtment.

Sitting theah on the couch, in gloves, with huh puhse in huh lap, like a detective from finishing school. I said, Mothuh, how did you get in?

She said, yaw fathuh has a key. I said, hwy? She said, emuhgencies. I said, this family is the emuhgency.

She said, hweah have you been? My sistuh said, out. My mothuh said, out hweah? I said, out in history.

She said, don’t staht with me. I’ve been sitting heah three hours. I said, hwy?

She said, because I wanted to see how you live. I looked around at the rug, the couch, the lamp, the cuhtains,

the ashtrays, my sistuh’s shoes, my boot still by the radiataw, and I thought, how do we live? By accident.

By chahm. By debt. By leaving rooms. By answering telephones we should let ring. By eating smoked sausages with millionaires and calling it dinnuh.

By screaming hwen necessary. By lahfing hwen screaming fails. My mothuh said, it’s not clean.

I said, neithuh is life. She said, you think everything is funny. I said, no, I think everything is terrible.

Funny is just hwat comes out hwen I breathe. She said, you’ll see. One day you’ll want security.

I said, I want security now. I just don’t want to marry a limp faw it. She said, theah ah wuhse things than marriage.

I said, yes, theah is marriage without fuhnituh. Then she softened, hwich was always dangerous because hwen my

mothuh softened you saw the guhl she had been, and that was unbearable. She took off one glove and touched my hayuh,

very gently, hweah the bald spots had grown in unevenly, and she said, does it still huht?

I said, only hwen people improve me. She said, you wuh such a pretty child. I said, I’m still pretty, Mothuh, just less obedient.

She said, you make everything so hahd. I said, no, it was hahd already. I just narrate.

She stahted to cry then, quietly, hwich made me furious because huh crying always made me feel like the

criminal in a crime I didn’t commit. My sistuh went into the kitchen and pretended to make coffee though we had no coffee.

She said, you think I only cayuh about money. I said, you mostly cayuh about money.

She said, because money is hwat keeps the wolves away. I said, Mothuh, in our family the wolves come recommended by Daddy.

She lahfed. Just once. A real lahf, not a society lahf. And faw one second I loved huh so much I wanted to fawgive everybody,

hwich is the most dangerous mood of all. Fawgiveness is like wearing hwite gloves in the rain.

It looks beautiful faw a minute and then you’re just cold. So I said, do you want a cigarette?

She said, I don’t smoke. I said, neithuh do the guhls in the ads. They just hold them with longing.

The next week the lawsuit from the beauty salon resuhfaced. I got a notice to appeeuh, and I thought, wonduhful, the cawts again.

My scawched uhth head was now a mattuh of law.

I went down theah in a black dress because black makes everything look intentional, and I saw the same corridaws, the same rooms, the same signs telling you hweah not to be.

I went to the wrong room twice, of cawse. A man said, you want civil.

I said, I’m trying to be. He said, no, civil cawt. I said, that remains to be seen.

Hwen I finally got theah, Mistuh Caruso was sitting with his lawyuh, looking injured,

hwich was hilarious because I was the one who had been chemically deforested. His lawyuh said they wuh prepared to offuh a settlement. I said, how much?

He said, fifty dollahs. I said, fifty dollahs? My head looked like Vietnam and you offuh me lunch?

He said, hayuh grows back. I said, so does resentment. He said, you can’t put a price on emotional distress.

I said, you just did, and it was insulting. Then the judge came in. Not the same judge from the jaywalking, but all judges ah cousins.

This one had the same flag, the same high chayuh,

the same expression of a man who has confused elevation with wisdom. He said, Miss, ah you represented by counsel? I said, spiritually aw legally?

He said, legally. I said, no. He said, do you unduhstand the proceedings?

Caruso’s lawyuh said I had been wahned that my hayuh was fragile. I said, my hayuh was not fragile, it was asleep.

You woke it up with acid and killed it. He said, she was difficult at the salon.

I said, I was bald at the salon. Theah’s a difference. The judge said, please confine yawself to the facts.

I said, Yaw Honaw, facts ah exactly the problem. Everyone keeps tuhning them into attitude. Then they brought in the beautician,

this little woman with lacquered hayuh so stiff it could have stopped bullets, and she said I had moved dyooring the treatment.

I said, moved? I breathed. Is that illegal now? She said, you wuh agitated.

I said, I became agitated hwen smoke rose from my head. She said, theah was no smoke. I said, puhhaps it was my soul leaving through the follicles.

The judge rubbed his forehead. I recognized that gestuh. Men rub theah foreheads hwen women speak too accurately.

Finally he said, I suggest both pahties compromise. I said, Yaw Honaw, compromise is hwat happened to my scalp.

He looked at me, and I thought, heah it comes, contempt again, two policemen, jail cells, guns and holstuhs, the whole American flag routine.

But instead he smiled a little. Just a little. He said, Miss, I advise you to take the hundred dollahs.

I said, they offered fifty. He said, I am advising them to offuh one hundred.

I said, plus cawt costs. He said, don’t push it. I said, that’s hwat they told me in the salon.

I took the hundred dollahs. Of cawse I did. Principle is glorious, but groceries ah puhsuasive.

I walked out with the check and felt victorious faw about faw minutes, until I realized a hundred dollahs was exactly hwat I had owed faw jaywalking.

So the law took my hayuh, paid me back, and collected the money at anothuh window.

That is justice. A cuhcle with cluhks. I went straight from cawt to the museum. This time it was open.

I walked through the rooms looking at women. Madonnas, duchesses, nymphs, prostitutes pretending to be goddesses,

goddesses pretending not to be prostitutes, guhls with puhl earrings, guhls with dead buhds, guhls holding fruit, guhls being abducted by swans, bulls,

Put a woman somewhere, arrange the light, and call huh mysterious so you don’t have to ahsk hwat she wants.

I stood in front of one painting, some pale woman reclining with one hand doing nothing and the othuh hand also doing nothing,

and this man beside me said, exquisite. I said, she looks tired. He said, pahdon? I said, tired.

Look at huh. She’s been reclining faw faw hundred yeeuhs. Huh back must be killing huh. He moved away.

People in museums do not like practical sympathy. Then I found a room with ahmaw.

Suits of ahmaw everywhere, empty men standing proudly with no men inside them. I loved that room. Finally, honest pawtraituh. No faces, no excuses, just metal shaped like feeuh.

I thought, this is hwat all those men wanted anyway, the construction man, the psychiatrist, the Swiss man, the photographuh, my fathuh.

Ahmaw. Something shiny around the panic. Women ah told to be soft because men ah already hahd from fright.

So I decided I was through studying women. I had studied them enough. I would study exits.

Every room has one, even if it’s only a window aw a scream aw a joke aw a cab you can’t affawd.

The trick is not to become the painting. The trick is to walk out of the frame befaw they finish the label.

That night I tried to explain this to my sistuh.

I said, we must stop becoming stories men tell about themselves. She said, hwat? I said, we ah always the evidence.

Evidence that they ah generous, tragic, virile, intellectual, wounded, European, ahtistic, misunduhstood. Even Daddy uses us as evidence that he knows impawtant people.

She said, hwat should we be instead? I said, unreliable witnesses. She said, I like that. Then the phone rang again.

It was the Swiss man. Of cawse. He said, my dahling, I heeuh you have been unkind to me.

I said, from whom? He said, people talk. I said, people limp too, but I don’t make a philosophy of it.

He said, I wanted only to help you guhls. I said, then send cash and don’t visit.

He said, you ah cruel. I said, no, I am concise. He said, yaw sistuh is theah? I said, hwich one?

He said, I want to take huh to dinnuh. I said, she’s studying. He said, studying hwat? I said, exits. He hung up.

I felt wonduhful. Then terrible. Then hungry. That is how independence usually goes. A few days latuh,

the man with the camera called and said they wanted me to come back and talk again. I said, ah you paying?

He said, not exactly. I said, then am I at least allowed to smoke? He said, yes.

I said, fine, that’s almost a salary. I went down and theah wuh maw people this time, because apparently my collapse had drawn interest.

They put me on a couch and said, just continue. I said, from hweah? They said, hwerevuh you left off.

I said, dahling, I nevuh leave off. I only change rooms. So I stahted again.

I talked about the judge, the museum, the ahmaw, my mothuh’s gloves, the hundred dollahs, the hand consultant, the woman in the leopahd hat,

the doctaw upstayuhs playing piano hwile the lowuh floaws went primitive. I talked until my mouth felt like a separate puhson.

At some point I fawgot the camera and began talking to no one, hwich is the only honest audience.

I said, the whole thing is that everyone wants a woman to be natural ahftuh hours of arrangement.

Natural hayuh that has been set, natural skin unduh powduh, natural chahm ahftuh terraw, natural love ahftuh bahgaining, natural obedience ahftuh insult.

And if you refuse, they say you’re ahtificial. But ahtificial is just natuh with witnesses. Everyone was very quiet.

I thought puhhaps I had gone too fah, but then I realized too fah is anothuh place invented by people who own maps.

I kept going. I said, hwen I was a child I thought adults nyoo hwat they wuh doing.

Then I became an adult and discovered they wuh all improvising with bettuh shoes. My mothuh improvised respectability.

My fathuh improvised authority. The Swiss man improvised tragedy. The psychiatrist improvised science. The photographuh improvised beauty. The judge improvised awduh.

And I improvised suhvival, hwich is apparently bad mannuhs. Then I stopped. Not because I had nothing to say,

but because faw once I wanted to keep something. Everyone looked disappointed. That pleased me. Disappointment is the beginning of boundaries.

Cheap flowuhs from a man on the cawnuh, already dying, hwich is the only kind I trust.

I carried them home wrapped in newspapuh, and my sistuh said, who sent those? I said, my scalp. She said, hwat?

I said, legal damages. She said, you bought yawself flowuhs? I said, yes. She said, that’s pathetic.

I said, no, dahling, that’s civilization. We put them in a milk bottle because we had no vase,

and they looked puhfect on the coffee table acquired through patuhnal panic. The whole room suddenly looked like a life.

Not a good life, not a stable life, not a life anyone would recommend to daughtuhs, but a life with flowuhs.

I thought, maybe that’s enough faw one evening. A rug, a couch, a sistuh, and flowuhs paid faw by injury. Almost domestic.

Then my mothuh called and said, yaw fathuh huhd you insulted the Swiss man. I said, hwich time? She said, don’t be clevuh.

I said, Mothuh, I have very few mahketable skills. She said, he may nevuh speak to us again.

I said, promise? She said, you ah impossible. I said, no, I’m possible. That’s the trouble.

I keep being possible ahftuh everyone has finished with me. And that, I suppose, is hwat I wanted to say befaw I got

interrupted by all these people with theah laws and legs and theories. I am not the right guhl.

Not faw the salon, not faw the cawt, not faw the club, not faw the restaurant with the lemon wrapped up like a christening,

not faw the man with the hwip, not faw the man with the camera,

not even faw the museum unless I’m allowed to talk back to the paintings. I am the wrong guhl who keeps arriving anyway, late,

unduhdressed, overexcited, with one boot and a story. And if they say, hwat happened to yaw hayuh, I’ll say history.

If they say, hwat happened to yaw hands, I’ll say wuhk. If they say, hwat happened to yaw mannuhs, I’ll say evidence.

If they say, hwat happened to yaw innocence, I’ll say it was retouched.

And if they say, hwy ah you lahfing, I’ll say because I tried screaming and that wuhked too, but lahfing travels bettuh through walls.